"This is not how we use to go to the beach." said one of the participants after my refusal to change the program of the retreat. This should have made me alert, as many times in the start there is a dynamic shown which then somehow is present during the whole process. But I wasn't alert, instead I was waiting, waiting for the retreat to come, to arrive, to be there, to can feel it, to can work "as I used to". And it just didn't come. Instead there we were with plenty of kids, with 24 participants somewhere between 4+ and 50+, with many veterans at my retreats, with some participants who couldn't participate at certain programs, with some members leaving earlier, with lots of strong, individual processes, among them my own regarding my leader position. With lots of coaching sessions, but because they happened while we were walking, or just before eating, or at the beach, or in the bus and we did not call them like it, we did not label them, I just didn't realize what they were. I didn't realize, how deep the retreat went, how much it meant for most of the participants. I didn't realize it as it didn't go how I would have loved to. But it didn't mean that it was not happening. It was touching, changing, softening or hardening people, depending on their personal processes, helping them to find their own way, their own middle way, their own balance between programs and vacation, at the end to find their "own retreat". One of the participants said at the closing circle: "we started the work in the group and then we have worked a lot individually, in our own room and we did a lot of homework".
My process went through many questions and questionings, starting with "I won't organize any more retreats here in the future as it is not as deep and compact as I love it to be and I cannot offer that quality that I would love to", through "maybe I will organize, but in a different way, with a strict program, stricter rules, with more private space for myself, etc." and through lots of all kind of dilemmas in my head I have arrived myself as well to the sentence that I gave to somebody at the beginning of the retreat in a family constellation: "The heart knows no dilemma." I have arrived in my process as a leader to something very important, that Everybody who till now came to my retreats accepted me with my child. No one ever complained about it, no one ever told me that I should leave him home, that he is bothering the group and it is affecting the group dynamic or the quality of my work. So the fact, that this latest retreat at Adria, in this heavenly beautiful place could take place, it is thanks to all these people, it is thanks to YOU. Why should I exclude mothers, single parents whose only chance to participate at my retreats or events is if they can bring their kids? This insight really touched me. It brought me back to myself, grounded me, made me human and vulnerable again, and from the professional perfectionist aims brought me back to I AM ENOUGH and I HAVE ENOUGH.
And, as a bonus, yesterday I have just received a brilliant sentence from my Life Integration Process teacher Malte Nelles, that made me laugh, that was just like a small summary of my whole summer process: Never work harder then your group.
See you at the next retreat, my dears. With lots of love and gratitude, Edo
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